The CragBaby

My friend Carolynn sent me this link about family relationships. I don’t want to talk about my family on here any more as they are no longer a part of my life and I choose to now only focus on healthy relationships going forward. Yet, I just wanted to note a few interesting pieces from the post that I believe are applicable to all relationships.

For example, consider a problematic relationship between yourself and another family member. Suppose you hold the belief that you must be close to every family member simply because they’re related to you. Perhaps you’d never tolerate this person’s behavior if it came from a stranger, but if the person is a relative, then you tolerate it out of a sense of duty, obligation, or your personal concept of family. To push a family member out of your life might cause you to feel guilty, or it could lead to a backlash from other family members. But genuinely ask yourself, “Would I tolerate this behavior from a total stranger? Why do I tolerate it from a family member then?” Exactly why have you chosen to continue the relationship instead of simply kicking the person out of your life? What are the beliefs that perpetuate the problematic relationship? And are those beliefs really true for you?

I couldn’t agree with this more! If someone is unable to control his/her emotions and words, I do not have to continue to allow him/her in my life, even if we are related. This is my life… and I live for happiness and honesty.

On the other hand, if you find yourself with family relationships that are incompatible with your becoming your highest and best self, then excessive loyalty to your family is likely to be extremely disempowering. You’ll only be holding yourself back from growing, from achieving your own happiness and fulfillment, and from potentially doing a lot of good for others. If I retained a very close relationship with my birth family, it would be like putting a lampshade over my spirit. I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

It seems so easy to find people who discourage and try to disempower. Yet I agree that we can completely choose with whom we surround ourselves.

You see… when you say goodbye to a problematic relationship issue, you’re really saying goodbye to an old part of yourself that you’ve outgrown. As I became less compatible with my birth family, I also gradually dropped parts of myself that no longer served me. I drifted away from rigid religious dogma, from fear of risk-taking, from eating animals, from negativity, and from being unable to say, “I love you.” As I let all of those things pass from my consciousness, my external-world relationships changed to reflect my new internal relationships.

Excellent nuggets of wisdom. Carolynn, thank you for sharing.

I thought I would re-circle on my family posts as I have had some time to think. My family life is a wound, but also the reason why I am who I am. There is no reason to talk about the family issue any more, but rather to be forward looking into finding and sustaining healthy relationships in the future.

I believe a healthy relationship (meaning with family or significant others) should live by the following:

• Hard topics should be able to be openly discussed in a manner where all ideas can freely be brought to the table and analyzed
• Daily comments of love should be expressed
• Words should be carefully chosen
• Conversation should consist of two people discussing, not one person doing all the listening
• Time and hobbies should be willingly sacrificed for another member of the family / relationship
• Bad days or hurt feelings should be addressed
• Creating transparent lives can help establish trust
• Focusing on honesty is vital
• Crucial facts (birthday, degree of study, history) should be remembered
• Quality time should be spent on a regular basis
• Weaknesses and worries should be addressed by the other person with compliments and praise, helping the other overcome these fears
• Time apart is a necessity
• The “little things” truly are important (i.e. notes, a simple thank you, etc)

I would really appreciate any thoughts from you readers. How do you sustain healthy relationships? What have you found to be helpful?

Yesterday I made one of the wisest, yet hardest, choices of my life. I have cut ties with my biological family and am starting a new life, a new family that consists of just me.

Perhaps this sounds harsh to some of you who come from loving families, but my situation was anything but conducive to my emotional well-being. Firstly, though, let me note that my biological family has many traits and aspects of which I admire. For instance:

• When all the sisters get together it is a great time filled with jokes and humor.
• My father is well educated and I respect his viewpoints on a variety of subjects from books to life outlooks. He has always supported me emotionally in my schooling and career.
• My mother has gone back to school and has amazed me with her determination, capturing a spot as the valedictorian of her class.
• I have always been grateful that my mother pushed me to compete in piano performance as it is a talent that I will always be able to fall back on.
• Barbara has amazed me through her perseverance of extremely rough times as her husband finished medical school and she raised a family while running a business.
• Barbara is an excellent mother. She raises her kids in the most loving manner.
• The year I took off school to live with Barbara and help with her kids was one of the best years of my life as I thoroughly enjoyed the time I was able to spend with her children.
• Jamie’s ability to attract people through her smile and friendliness is something I have never been able to master.
• This past year Laura has amazed me on a variety of levels, which I referenced in an earlier blog post.
• My brother Jordan is getting ready to serve his mission and I know he will do a great job. I am also impressed by his drum skills and driven nature to create the first drum line in the local highschool.

That being said and even with all their great qualities, they are completely incapable of communication and have never learned control over their words. I know that I don’t deserve to be called a “crazy bitch”. I know that it is out of line for someone, even a family member, to tell me that I need to kill myself and try to physically fight me. I know that when someone does an act out of line, an apology is in order and that I don’t need to just accept their actions. I know that I am a person worth loving. And I know that if anyone else in the world would have done and said the things these people have, I would and should have let go a long time ago.

So I cut the ties.

Sure enough, I was instantly bad mouthed. To be honest, I love it. I love it because it is vindication, proof that I made the right decision. Their harsh words motivate me to be a better person, to kick ass in my job, life, volunteer, hobbies, etc. It motivates me to surround myself with positive rather than negative.

I love my family as human beings, but I deserve to be treated well. I deserve to be loved. I deserve for someone to be proud of me.

This weekend I am going to brainstorm goals and values that my new family will live by. I am real excited about this new opportunity. All the past years are lost and I can’t get them back, but I have learned a lot. Going forward I can create an environment that provides me with exactly what I deserve. I no longer will have these “christians” in my life and I wish them the best. But, the best for me is without them.

Perhaps this is a personal matter that will scare off any readers of this blog. But the truth is, this is who I am. I strive to be a good person and I am happy.

an interesting day. the level of dishonesty in some people amazes me. christians. the ones I know don’t seem to understand that values are usually attached to that noun. all that matters in today’s society is ones self, not minding if others are crushed on the way. they proclaim their christianity while lying and spitting in one’s face.

bummer days mean I need to focus on gratitude. today i am grateful for:

• independence
• perseverance
• determination

having steam to blow off isn’t bad. perhaps the end result is strength.

[Edit: I know I offended Doughy by this post, so am adding a disclaimer. This post is about a niche group of Christians, not all Christians or Mormons or anything else as a whole. I was basically blowing off some steam concerning a personal situation. Sorry Doughy... please still be my friend.]

My younger sister (nicknamed Booder) moved to Salt Lake about a year ago to finish her bachelors degree. I have always been impressed with her work ethic, but she has continued to make me proud on a variety of levels.

Schooling: Upon moving to SLC, she had her associates degree and already figured out what bachelor degree she wanted to pursue. She started the program immediately, taking classes through the summer and will be finished with the program in the Spring. While jamming away on her degree, she has managed to always have two jobs, working numerous hours, while volunteering on the side.

Work: She works as a part-time receptionist here at Wasatch. She has quickly learned the ropes of venture capital and is a huge value to me and my work. Her other job is up in the Park City area. She is always picking up extra shifts and has already been giving a couple raises and job opportunities.

Personal: She is extremely fit and keeps up a strict workout program. She ran her first marathon, the St. George marathon, a couple weeks ago. It was an agonizing experience for her but she finished! Next thing I know, she had signed up for the Salt Lake marathon in April. I am going to start training and hopefully my ankle will hold up so that I can run it with her.

Volunteering: She is a journalism student and so I thought she would enjoy the volunteer experience of the KCPW pledge drives. During the spring drive she picked up a handful of shifts and thoroughly enjoyed working with the KCPW team. This past fall drive she picked up the most shifts out of all the volunteers, sometimes working 12 hours straight.

I am definitely a proud older sister and am so grateful to have such a good influence in my life.